As long as he doesn’t live in Uzbekistan.

Ciggy called and said I can’t give up after 'risking it' so she has booked us all in for speed dating on Saturday. The trick here is do I tell the guys the truth and nothing but the truth about myself or is it acceptable to drop in a few white lies to ramp up my chances. After all it worked for Miranda in Sex and the City.

Petri called to say that she thinks her dream board is working. She’s made an appointment at the AI clinic, where there is usually a three months wait, but there was a cancellation and she goes in on Friday! I need to make one – a dream board, not an AI appointment. Apparently you have to find pictures of the things you want in your life, stick them onto a board and hang it up where you can see it every day. A friend of Petri’s met the most amazing man that way. He was everything she ever dreamed of, except he lived in Australia. According to the hard science of dream boards, that was her fault. She forgot to tell the dream board that he should live in South Africa.

I found a useful site that helps you make your first dream board:

Step 1

Gather a stack of magazines (around 50 to 100), (This is best done over the course of the year and then do this exercise in January for a New Year's resolution.) The magazines should be different types, covering all the topics that you are interested in.

Step 2

Go through each magazine and cut out any random pictures that appeal to you, and search for keywords that apply to your wants and desires. Allow your mind to wander and follow your instinct. Find bright, colorful images that make you feel fantastic or get you thinking about what life could be like if it were you in that picture. 

Step 33

Purchase a magnetic board or a large blank painting canvas that is pre-strung on a timber frame and paper glue. Or for an added artistic touch purchase a customized leather or suede magnetic board.

Step 4

Schedule some time in your diary for cutting and gluing day! You may need 2 or 3 days.

Step 55

On the day, put on your favorite inspiring music, make some coffee or whatever you like to drink. Buy some goodies to nibble on. And go to it!

Step 66

Cut out the pictures neatly and stick them on your board. Paste over any faces of the people you have cut out. This is your dream board! (And we don’t want you thinking about other people!).

Step 77

Place the dream board beside your bed or in your office and look at it at least twice a day for about 5 minutes. Enjoy the images, enjoy your work and imagine yourself leading the life that is in your dream board.8

You will notice in the following 12 months that you are starting to achieve some of the dreams you have stuck on your board.

I have to say that any dream board that I communicated through would have to be smart enough to realise that if I provide ample photographic cues as to the man I want, I shouldn’t have to make a further submission that he shouldn’t live in Uzbekistan. 

You’re even meant to put down what size penis you want. Apparently I mustn’t leave any room for misinterpretation - after all I will get what I ask for (or don’t ask for in this case). I think that on this penis size stipulation, I am going to give the dream board some wiggle room. If I am taking no bids less than 12 inches fully erect then the dream board might present me with some barely bipedal Welkom cage fighter who thinks that foreplay is beating up spectators before tournaments. Or, if he is of a gentler frame, someone who passes out during sex due to loss of blood to his vital organs. So Mr. Dream Board, bring me a man with a 7-11 inch willy and I will get back to you soon with all the other requirements. 

For the first 2 decades of my life, the only photos plastered on my dream board were of ballerina’s and I was very fortunate to have my family’s support. When any guest came to our house my father would get me to hand out snacks and do a little dance for them on the lawn. When I turned 15 and my pride kicked in, I started charging my father R20 per dance. Little did I know I would be dancing in a cage in a New York club 10 years later earning $100 per shift.

My second commercial venture in my teens was to hold a party at our house to help all the girls at school to find a partner for the high school dance. I charged an entrance fee – until my father called the police and had everyone removed from the premises. That’s when my father dropped the bombshell that he wanted me to take my brother to the dance. My brother refused and my mother put her foot down and I arrived on Sid’s arm, thankfully.

There is a stream of men filing past the fish bowl today on their way to a casting of some sorts. If they weren’t all over 50, partially balding and over balanced by their beer boeps, I would leave a sign-in sheet outside my door and collect their details. One of the actors popped in to say hi, but it got a bit awkward when he hung around after the conversation dried up and I had assured him I wasn’t going to make another film.