Speed Engagement

My dream board is not playing ball. The only sexy men it dished up were walking down the ramp and even with their six packs rippling and their breeding-colony hotness, the glazed hostility projected off their faces was enough to put any fairly intelligent woman off. What do I mean by a fairly intelligent woman? I mean a woman who could get through a Cosmo without picking up a dictionary. The only Levi model I would even consider going out with appeared on the ramp with a grin as wide as Garfield’s. It was obviously his first time modeling, but he was only 10 and it just wouldn’t be right or legal unless we went paintballing and then for ice creams. I also bumped into my ex with a beautiful blond woman on his arm, thus brightening up the evening considerably. My ex fiancé that is. Our speed engagement lasted exactly 50 days. He has gone on to have a few more and has now been dubbed ‘the serial engager’ in Cape Town.

His choice of momentous days has to be admired. He proposed on Christmas Eve and left me crying on the bathroom floor of a Hotel in Berlin on Valentine’s Day. Yes he was a prize peach, and he knew how to pack a punch. It all began unraveling when he insisted on coming with me to the film festival in Berlin. It was my last opportunity to appoint an international distribution company for my first film 'A Stranger arrives' and seeing that it was so important to me he wanted to give me some support. So he got to the airport early and upgraded himself to business class.

I can only attribute my lapse in judgment to the fact that he got to me at a particularly vulnerable time in my life, the eve of my first film premier. I was feeling exhausted, terrified, overwhelmed and anxious, to name a few emotions, when he approached me at a restaurant. I was having dinner with the distributor of the film, he was dining a few tables down. My polite refusal to go out with him on many previous occasions didn’t seem to deter him (my instinct was obviously intact at that time and is quite a handy thing, when you use it). But predators can smell fear and helplessness and he moved in for the kill. He bought us some drinks and before I knew it he was sitting with us, my hand firmly in his grasp. It felt so good to have a strong man at my side and before I could stop the words coming out of my mouth I had invited him to the premier. The following night we walked down the red carpet together and two days later did the rounds as he introduced his prize catch to all his family and friends.

Even though I felt sorry for his beautiful date and what he had in store for her, I left the Levi’s launch feeling lonelier and older than ever and to round the evening off a blister from my dangerously high and potentially neck-breaking shoes. I hobbled through the vast parking lot trying to find my car and my dignity. When I eventually realized I was on the wrong floor I took my shoes off and walked the rest of the way barefoot. A couple walked past holding hands, I put my chin up and tried to convince myself I was fine.

Maybe I am asking the universe for too much. Petri, Ciggy, Fay and I are going to speed dating tomorrow night so I’m going to lower my expectations a bit. I’ll adjust my request for an 11” penis to a 9” one, but that is my lowest bid. Any lower I might as well throw in the white towel and lock my lips onto the closest lesbian. Even that metaphor was a lesbian one. Most women boxers are anti penis.

That’s a bit spooky. Just got a message from ‘Flying Pete’. I think I was aiming too high. He says he likes the sound of my profile, but could I send him my picture first? Here we go again; it’s all about the package. So I hit send.