Giving and Receiving of stick

Flying Pete is quite cute. Curly brown hair, blue eyes and a touch taller than me, but what was most impressive was his endurance. However, I fear he will never go to another South African film after last night’s spectacle. I was moved to buy a bunch of tickets after meeting the film director in a shopping mall handing out flyers and trying to get people to come and watch his film. It reminded me how hard I worked to get bums on seats for mine. So Petri, Ciggy, C, Fay, Flying Pete and I set out to make our mark.

It was possibly the worst film ever made in history. C had great fun poking me in the ribs during particularly bad moments. I’m not even going to mention the film’s name as I am spineless and would prefer not to get engaged in a vicious fight with fellow independent filmmakers. Oh and because I actually felt really sorry for him as he stood underneath the exit sign, grinning and waiting for positive feedback. I pretended to be on my phone so I didn’t have to congratulate him.  I was so stunned at how bad the film was that I wasn’t prepared to even attempt lying.

I just spoke to the British docci director – he has such an amazing voice – smooth and velvety like lindt chocolate. I was finding it hard not to drift off into a reverie in which I was sitting on top of him and giving it stick. Did I say “giving it stick?” I meant “riding his stick.” Did I say “riding his stick?” I’m sorry; this was not the kind of thing I was taught at ballet school. But maybe I can give Flying Pete a little tomorrow. “A little what? A little polishing of his shaft, a little giving and receiving of stick. 

Do shocks to the testicles cause sperm spikes?

In my quest to round up the characters on the Brits’ wish list, I have unveiled some real crackers. Today I found a company in JHB that makes an anti-hijacking shock device which you install in the seat of your car. When (not if) you are approached by a hijacker, you can calmly get out of your car and as the crook drives off into the sunset, you activate the shock via a long-range remote control, then sit back and giggle as his ball hairs fry. It is said that criminals are always one step ahead of law enforcement, so no doubt hijacking syndicates are recruiting, or more sinisterly, creating gonad-free eunuchs who can take the odd electric shock to the crotch and still do a passable job of trimming the emperor’s nasal hair. The ball hairs fry up is accompanied by an ear-piercing siren. No siren is going to match the sound the eunuch was exposed to when someone relieved him of his testicles. 

You can also install the same device in briefcases and handbags for people collecting large sums of cash from the bank. I can just picture the inventor of this shock device standing around the braai with his friends trying to drum up the most creative way to punish our bandits.  I can also imagine his lawyer friends choking on their beers as they realise how many articles of the constitution his latest device has just contravened, and therefore how many he will have to sell to allow him to mount a defense against potential litigants. He has also invented an anti-escape stun-belt to put on prisoners during transit. He was quick to add that it shuts off after 4 seconds otherwise the shock would be too much.

He was also proud to tell me that his invention has been exported all over the world and recently has been unbanned in Australia, however the product is illegal in the UK under the dangerous weapons act and he is therefore unable to be a participant in the documentary.

I’m gutted. It would have made such good material but also ruined my reputation among the liberal media and notoriously left-wing indie film community. So maybe there is a plus side to all this banning of inhumane proto-torture devices by some first world countries. He says he doesn't want to seem inhumane and assures me that the shock will not cause burns and is approved by SABS (South African Bureau of standards). He adds that in 23 years he has had no reports of an adverse effect. I’m dying to add, “Because they have all been rendered speechless.”

Petri just called and she is really bummed. Apparently W89’s genes were very popular and his sperm is no longer available. So she’s taking the safe route. W75 – the tall, blue eyed, classical music lover. She goes for her first sperm spike tomorrow.