The upside of Brian’s wine habit.

The upside of Brian’s wine habit.

The only club I joined yesterday was the club for the tiring, and more to the point, tiresome tri athletes. After having an exhilarating cruise above Cape Town and spotting familiar landmarks, Pete deftly landed the plane and announced that there was this amazing place he wanted to show me. We walked through the most beautiful forest, following a stream up the mountain. We got to a spot that overlooked the valley and sat on a log for 2 minutes. He was pumped, I was struggling to breathe. We then ran down the mountain and sped off in his car, and before I knew it I was sitting behind him on his paddleboat trying to contribute to the trip around Cape Point. I had stopped talking long ago and was just trying to stay conscious.

I am now lying face down on my physio’s table, my head stuck through the hole, regaling my dating woes to Mary as she tries to ease my iron clad muscles. Nikki is also flat on her back at home. I couldn’t imagine going out with Pete ever again, never mind having a relationship. Nikki and I would have to sneak little naps in between each triathlon.

I really should write another film. I couldn’t dream up Risk_it, MC, Flying Pete or Camper_Take it higher, even if I smoked six joints in a row out of a mango stalk. Sorry, I walked into that one. If I smoke six joints, I am very likely to have at least one character called Camper_Take it higher and the odd Flying Pete with ‘righteous’ wings.

When I was 22 it had never occurred to me to ever write a film, but a series of chance meetings and a very eager acting partner set my pen in motion. Brian was one of the most dedicated actors I ever met in New York. Once a week he sat down and sent his headshot and CV to agents. He didn’t put them in an envelope like the rest of us, he put them inside a box of chocolates to try get anyone who opened the box to feel some sort of decency to at least call the desperate bugger. But his persistence paid off and he got his big break - as a stand-in for Matt Dillon on the film A Kiss before Dying. He was elated. While the crew set up the shots, Brian stood patiently being lit, and as the camera was about to roll, Matt would take his place to do the really fun part - acting.

During the shoot they threw a party at The Tribecca Grill downtown and Brian asked me to go with him. I agonized over what to wear and finally settled on a pair of olive green pants (cringe) and a black top from the Soho flea market. On my ride down to the restaurant on the subway, I cursed my cheap purchase and tried to snap the loose threads on my top without the whole garment unravelling. I met Brian outside, my heart pounding. This was my first legitimate meeting of anyone famous that I hadn’t accidentally bumped into on the street while minding my own business. Or should I say ‘accidentally’ bumped into on the street while they were minding their own business. I actually had an invitation to be there!

On arrival Brian firmly placed a glass of wine in my hand and marched me up to the Director, James Dearden, introducing me as his very talented acting partner. Bless Brian’s soul. He was a really generous, passionate person with no sense of holding back. My next introduction was to Matt Dillon and Sean Young and it must be said Matt was a lot more gracious than she was. Then Brian had another glass of wine and we ‘bumped’ into the director again and he introduced me to him once more. Several glasses of wine later, Brian put his arm around the director and said “Have you met my talented acting partner?” James was quite amused and answered “If you really are that talented why don’t you drop your headshot and resume off at The Mark hotel where I am staying”. Bless Brian once again.

The next morning I had a hangover that made me suspect that I had been drugged and thrown into a hotel-laundry tumble dryer at the beginning of the cycle. I sat down at my unstable kitchen table and typed a letter to James. A few sheets of paper later I mentioned that even if he didn’t have a role for me, I would be happy to get any kind of job on the film, no matter how menial.

Two days later my phone rang and it was James’ producer asking me if I would like to be in charge of cleaning Matt Dillon’s Portaloo on set. I leapt at the opportunity to start my career in film like a plucky immigrant fresh off the boat who had passed the tuberculosis test at Ellis Island. Actually, he wanted to know if I would like to be James’ assistant for the last week of the shoot in Charlottesville, Virginia. My dream about being ‘discovered’ was about to become true. Before I knew it I was on a plane sitting behind Matt Dillon grinning like a lunatic. If the pilot had seen me he would have had me escorted off the plane.

The gravity of what I had gotten myself into dawned on me at midnight as I lay in the hotel bed, wide-eyed and terrified. I had never been on a film set in my life and wouldn’t be able to tell the difference between the catering or lighting guys – ok I probably could have if I had studied their actions closely enough: the one lot are cutting fruit, the others carrying huge lights around. After calling room service on three different occasions for a glass of warm milk, I finally fell into a series of nightmares of what could actually go wrong - unable to suppress a massive sneeze during a take, being mistaken for the directors girlfriend, walking into shot because I didn’t realize which way the camera was facing. Just the usual worries before the first day on a job.

I survived the first day without major mishap and managed to deliver James a hot cup of tea, in the middle of winter on a railway track with great skill. In order to fulfill his wish of English breakfast tea with honey, I kept the tea bags in one pocket and the honey in the other to ensure I had all the necessary ingredients at all times. By the end of the day my right pocket was a sticky mess.

On day 2 I arrived on set feeling happy and relaxed until the 1^st AD handed me a stop watch, Polaroid camera and a set of papers and declared I was the script supervisor for the day. Panic set in and I searched for a friendly, kind face. I settled on the 3^rd AD, a film student, and made him swear on his mother’s life that he would never reveal the fact that I had no idea what a script supervisor was. He gave me a crash course and somehow I managed to hand in a set of reports which didn’t even resemble the English which I had studied for 10 years at school.  And looking back at my handwriting I’m surprised anyone else recognised it as such.   

Having the luxury of spending all day on set with a famous writer and director eventually lead to a conversation about my budding acting career – ok I did bring it up on the third day. James mentioned that if he were to type cast me in a role, it would be of a farm girl. I had a light bulb moment. So intense was my epiphany that I could see my name in lights on a movie billboard. I knew a farm girl – Emily in  ‘A stranger arrives’. This would be the ultimate role to launch my career. So being industrious I wrote my first film to create a role for myself as an actress.

Back at home, I tackled Ted onto the bed and told him in rapid fire about my plans to write film, even though I had never seen a script in my life, and become a famous actress. I left out the part at the airport when Matt flirted outrageously with me and gave me his phone number – Ted was one lucky man; I was the loyal type. And yes I still have his number and no you can't have it. Hold on maybe I should give Matt-baby a buzz, I'm single now, but he might not remember that 30 seconds at the airport 16 years ago.