No sex for the Brits

This is how I like to spend my Sundays - sitting in a seedy bar in Long street talking to an ex gangster with ominous tattoos lining his arms. Thinking that the Brits may need protection, as they hang out the window filming the speeding ER24 paramedic van into one of the most dangerous areas in South Africa, the Cape Flats, I arranged a meeting with Zee. I am hoping he will escort them into the hotspots giving them protection or tip them off when things start to look a little dicey on the ground i.e. before the shoot out begins. We all order a beer and pretend this is a normal get together with old friends. But the truth is, sitting in the booth with us, is one of the Sexy Boy’s most violent ex-gang members who has now reformed after seeing the benefit of not killing people (please God he really has). The director casually asks him if he can arrange a meeting with any high flyers like Ernie ‘Lastig’ Soloman or Quintin ‘Mr Big’ Marinus. He stiffens, looks around and lowers his voice “Don’t throw names like that. You never know who you are talking to.” Yes he’s right, we don’t.

Our next meeting is with a woman wearing a bright red dress, lipstick to match and a beehive to top it all off. She earnestly takes out an alarming looking object from her briefcase. The device is a female condom which women are supposed to insert into their vaginas if they feel they are at risk of being raped. The device, made of latex and held firm by shafts of sharp barbs, can only be removed from the man’s penis through surgery, which will hopefully alert hospital staff, and ultimately, the police.

Beehive gives us a demonstration,  “It hooks onto the rapist's skin, allowing the victim time to escape and identify the perpetrator.  And I promise you he is going to be very sore down there and will go straight to hospital". The Brits are visibly shaken at the thought of being trapped in it – not a pretty vision especially with old beehive.

I tried to end my day on a gentler note reading my Cosmo magazine, which rammed the fact that Valentines day is only 7 days away up my nose. But I did garner some useful tips:

1. Don’t sleep with a guy on the first date.

2. When he says he’s not looking for commitment, believe him.

3. Don’t pretend to be interested in his hobbies – you’ll get caught out or find yourself hugging the rails of his sail boat feeding the fish on rough stormy seas.